OnJoyRoad

I had a very nice week.  I got to spend several days with Lauren, Leah and the new baby.  I LOVE spending time with my children and their children.  There isn’t any experience that is much better in this whole world.  We played at the park, enjoyed good conversation, hugged the littles…a lot…and just loved on the part of the family that was present (missed the part that wasn’t).

This weekend has been a slightly different story.  Saturday was 18 weeks; four and half months, since Steve died and for the past two days I’ve missed my Steve…badly.  Parts of each day have been good, productive and comfortable.  But, just when I think, “I can do this! Yes, I can!” an overwhelming sense of loss just comes in waves threatening to drown me in its sadness. 

So, to follow my own advice, I’m going to find joy by listing those things for which I was thankful for this week:

• • Rain!  It rained hard and long Friday night, twice on Saturday and a little bit today.  We have needed the rain badly in this area and our crunchy grass, hard soil and our wilting oaks appreciated the wet stuff.
  • Naps. I don’t often nap but I took a couple of short ones!  Niiiicccceeee.
  • Cooler weather.
  • My children, their spouses and their children.
  • Lovely breezes.
  • Antelope grazing and lingering in the back yard.
  • Dishes done.
  • Goats bleating on the hill behind the house.
  • Quail flying up out of the prairie grass and across the road.
  • Laundry done.
  • Sewing machine fixed. By ME!
  • Good wine.
  • Better bourbon.
  • Starting a new book.
  • Finding my mother okay in her home after NOT answering her phone for over six hours!  
  • Planning and scheduling two new adventures.
  • Nutritious, tasty meals.
  • Morning coffee, afternoon popsicles and evening wine all on the back porch.
  • Kisses from my pups.
  • The scent of rosemary and lavender hovering in the air after the rain.
  • Hummingbirds.
  • Butterflies.
  • Memories.
  • Texts from friends.
  • Scheduling time with those friends.

Although it is sometimes difficult….Today, I Choose Joy!

What are you thankful for this evening?  I’d love to hear from you!

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13. 

OH my goodness!

Babies!

Our third grandchild was born in mid-July and he is perfect!  Just like the other two, of course.  Our fourth grand baby will arrive in December…a little girl.  We will then have two of each!

Steve would have loved to be here to hold, love on and spoil the two newbies just like he did with Landon and Leah.  Who knows.  Perhaps he got to meet them in heaven before they were born to their earthly mamas!  It’s okay, Honey Bunches of Oats, I will spoil them for you.

Welcome, Baby Jase, to the family who loves you to the moon and back!

Tomorrow will mark four weeks since we found out that Steve’s cancer has spread.  At some point between the November and early February CT scans the immunotherapy drug stopped working and the cancer exploded in his body.

A couple of months ago, Steve choked on a hot dog.  From that day forward he had difficulty swallowing certain foods.  In an attempt to find out what was causing the trouble he underwent a procedure three weeks ago.  Following the procedure, the doctor told us that there was a significant narrowing of his esophagus.  The doctor stated that the tumor is pushing into the esophagus and that the cancer appears to be trying to infiltrate that area.

To say the least, it has been a crappy month.

Not sounding too joyful today, am I?

I apologize.

As I have said in the past, no one ever promised us a rose garden.  The game of life is not all peaches and cream.

Since the updated prognosis, we have shared moments of deep despair. We’ve cried. We’ve discussed tasks that must be done. We lost a ton of sleep.  We’ve sat in silence thinking about the future.  We’ve held hands and cried some more.

Yet, in spite of the news and intense disappointment, we also continue to wake, to laugh, to find humor during the less than positive hours, enjoy good meals, experience surprises and to love.

Life does go on.

Without question, our favorite time of the day is in early morning.  We sit on our back porch, kick back with a cup of coffee and just enjoy the quiet of the morning.  Birds sing, antelope nibble through the back yard, dogs play and we just…chat.  We’ve done morning like this ever since we moved out to the country.  Some days are more exciting than others and Monday was that kind of day.  We were sitting on the porch admiring the first sunny day in two weeks when Steve noticed a flash of blue in a nearby tree.  He quickly retrieved his binoculars and we took turns admiring the Eastern Bluebird that had graced us with his presence.  The bird was fabulous and we watched him for about fifteen minutes.  When the Eastern Bluebird flew off, Steve looked to the right side of the yard and saw not one but two pair of cardinals.  Those birds gave him great joy on that peace-filled morning. It was a blessing to see him flash his special, impish smile while he watched those birds. That morning was truly magical.

It’s true.  Life really is about the little things.  A smile, shared memories and meals, nature, prayer, God and…time.

I don’t know what the future holds but I do know, without a doubt, who holds the future. We are not going to let this disease ruin what time we have left together.  Regardless of our circumstances, our God is here with us.  He holds us in the palms of his hands.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13. 

Our German Shepherd, Ella, has a bladder the size of a peanut.  Either that or last night she simply wanted us to be awake with her.  She woke me up at 3:30 a.m., 4:30 a.m., 5:30 and finally 7:10 a.m.  I was ready to wring her neck because Steve really needs his sleep and besides, who the heck wants to be awakened four times in the early morning hours just so the dog can go pee (or chase smells in the back yard)?  Not this girl!!

Once awake I could not, for the life of me, go back to sleep.  My brain was turned on and just would not stop thinking about the future without my sweetheart.  When Ella woke me up at 7:10 I gave up on getting any sleep so I grabbed Darla and the three of us went outside.

It had rained during the night.  The ground was wet and muddy; the air was misty, damp and cool.  Usually the birds that hang around our home during the spring, summer and autumn are missing at this time of year, but when we walked out onto the driveway, the first thing I heard was the trilling of our birds.  The happy chirping sounds that Steve and I love to listen to every morning just broke me.  I stood in the center of the yard and bawled.  How many more days would we get to listen to our favorite sounds together?  How soon would I be listening to them alone?  At that point, I chose to take my own advice and, in the moment, thanked God for allowing me to hear the birds this morning because that meant that Steve would get to listen to them when he awoke!  That little moment of joy lasted not much longer that that single moment but it helped…a bit.

After the 7:10 potty break, the pups and I returned inside.  Not wanting to disturb Steve a fourth time, I just wrapped  in myself in my quilt and curled up on our leather sofa. Every thought of Steve made me cry.  I guess it’s just going to be a weepy kind of day.

People say that these bouts of tears are normal but I can honestly say that I am not a fan.

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;  Yes, our God is merciful.  The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me.  Return to your rest, O my soul, For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.  For You have delivered my soul from death, My eyes from tears, And my feet from falling.  (Psalms 116:5-8 NKJV)

For reasons that cannot be explained in this post, we have had a few very hard days at our home.  In fact, they’ve really sucked and probably won’t improve much in the near future.

I’ve had to reflect a bit on how I can find a little joy when all the joy I had has been knocked right out of me?  I’m not totally sure I have the definitive answer but here are nine things I have done (or have thought about doing) over the last 72 hours to try to brighten our days.

1.  Eat.  When life really sucks, we usually don’t eat well.  Maybe I should say I don’t eat well when I’m down in the dumps.  Anyway…make yourself eat something healthy at regular points in the day.  Stay away from the processed foods as much as you can.  Eat proteins, vegetables and fruits.  If your sugar levels are relatively stable then your mental state will be, too.
2. Exercise.  I’m lousy at exercising during the best of times but during a crisis I seem to perform/think better if I engage in some kind of exercise.  We are more than fortunate in that walking in our neighborhood is like walking in a park so it helps me and my state of mind to get out into nature.  If I am really upset I actually intersperse some short sprints while on my walk.
3. Cry.  Sometimes a good, long, hard cry just cleanses all the crap out of your system. Once I’ve had a good cry I tend to pull up my boot straps and get busy solving problems and getting things done!
4. Deliberately look for things to make you smile.  A cardinal flying across the field, a deer stepping out of the trees, a colorful leaf, a child’s smile, a musical note from a set of hidden chimes…  Look/listen for things that make your heart go pitter-pat and your mouth turn up at the ends.  There are hundreds of these little moments each day.  Some days we just have to look a little harder and listen a little closer.
5. Make a To-Do List.  Just making a list of tasks that must be accomplished and putting them on a time line helps to refocus our lives.  We are in the process of making this list now as time is critical.  Once the To-Do List is finished we can move forward calmly and purposefully.
6. Clean house.  A clean house is a calming house.  I didn’t always understand that but over the past couple of years I have come to realize that, for me, clean equals peace (at least to some extent…it helps).
7. De-clutter.  Go through and throw out old papers, clothing that is no longer used or fits, clean the fridge…  The more clutter I get rid of the better I feel.  Today we went through three boxes and two drawers of old paperwork.  We didn’t get it all done but we put a definite dent in it!
8. Talk.  Communicate your thoughts, feelings, worries, anger, etc. to the one you love and, most importantly, listen to what they are thinking and feeling, too.  There is nothing worse than silence when the family is in crisis.  Silence can equal loneliness and there is no room for that!
9. Pray.  Talk to God about your thoughts, feelings, worries and anger. He understands each of those emotions, after all, He is the one who instilled them in us to begin with.  Pray. Read your Bible.  Talk with your pastor.

Have I gone through each of these ideas in the past 72 hours?  Welllllll, we have done all to some extent with the exception of number 2.  Exercise…shudder.  Can I tell you that accomplishing the tasks above make me feel better about what is going on in our lives?  Not at all because the situation is untenable…it will not get better, but I have been able to eek out some moments of joy and that is enough at the moment.  It has to be!

I may have to get out and walk the dog tomorrow.