Loss

t’s been a little more than two months since my last post.

Much has happened.

More has changed

Steve has passed away and all of our lives have been altered. Forever there will be a huge hole in our hearts, our lives and our spirits.

On March 20th, Steve began to run a fever. In cancer patients, a fever of more than 100.5 is the cue to get moving! I hustled him into the car and made the hour trip into San Antonio as quickly as humanly well, as legally, possible.

We ended up spending a little over two weeks in one hospital and three days in another. They thought it was pneumonia. Then they thought it was the cancer. Then it didn’t matter anymore what it was.

Thankfully, he was able to say goodbye to his precious children, to my mom, his sisters and his closest friends and then he went to sleep for a few hours and then he was gone. Just gone.

In my last post I talked about how life goes on.  It does.

I wrote that there is still joy in the world.  There is.

I espoused that I didn’t know what held the future but I know WHO holds it. Still true.

But this is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. It has been a month now since we laid him to rest and tomorrow will be five weeks since he died.  While I find many good parts in most days, I often find myself in the middle of a puddle of tears.

Like right now.

I still take my morning coffee on our back porch. This year, we have more hummingbirds than ever before; more than a dozen visit the feeders. Steve would love that fact! Usually I laugh at their antics but today is not one of those days. Today, I weep over our loss. I miss my best friend. Today, the loss…it cuts to the bone. The pain is real. It is sharp and it is deep.

It will pass.

Sunday is Mother’s Day and the precious man who made me a mom will not be here to celebrate that fact with us. I know the kids and I will miss him horribly on this day.  I suppose that it’s just another one of those firsts  that we will have to move through.

I want Steve back so badly.  Since that is not an option for we mere mortals, I have a box of tissues on the table next to me as I watch our hummingbirds, listen for the turkeys and enjoy the cool, southern breeze as the sun starts to peek out from behind the fluffy white clouds.

I know that joy still exists. I just have to look a little harder for it.

Some days it feels like God is no longer here with me. I know that He is.

In the end, Scripture says, “And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

I look forward to that day!

Hard Times

Hurricane Harvey…you are welcome to leave the great state of Texas at any time! You have become similar to the guest that overstays his/her welcome…you stink like days-old fish. Bye-bye!!

Although we only received 5.5 inches of rain over three days at our home, the communities of East Texas were not as fortunate. Houston and areas south and east have received over 50 inches of rain in places. It is estimated that over 30,000 homes have been destroyed in Houston alone and literally hundreds of thousands of people are now homeless. As of this post, six people have lost their lives, among them a first responder who drowned while attempting to get to his assignment and a mommy who died trying to save her 18 month old baby. The tragedies are many but for each sad, depressing story there are many, many more that are uplifting and filled with hope.

Texans take care of their people. When the first responders became overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of people needing to be rescued from the swiftly rising flood waters, their neighbors rose up to help. Boats of all sizes were used to traverse the waters to pull people from the roofs and through the windows of their flooded homes. People used social media to connect those who needed help/shelter to those who could provide what was needed. Businesses opened their doors to any who needed shelter and volunteers poured in from all areas of the Lone Star State and neighboring states to provide a hug, a blanket, water and a hot meal to those affected by Harvey. Celebrities donated monies to help the relief effort while others set up foundations to raise funds and take donations. There is an old saying, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going” and boy has that been true of Texans this week.  Although there were those who tried to put a political spin on this tragedy, the following were non-issues: race, wealth, gender, life style, politics. People helped people. It’s that simple.  All else just faded away.

Houston and the rest of the coastal area will survive. They will rebuild. They will heal and move forward. But my heart breaks for the loss of homes, possessions and, most importantly, lives.

And the rain continues to fall…

My heart is so heavy tonight. One of our sweet neighbor friends passed away this evening. His illness came on fairly recently and after a brief procedure in the hospital he was released only to return soon after. Four days later, he is gone. Michael was such a sweet man. He and his precious wife, Angel, lived across the street from us for over 29 years. They were the very first people we met…even before we moved into the house. When Steve and Mike got together they talked for hours about everything and about nothing. One thing was always certain with those two…stories were told and laughter was loud. Mike was the kind of man that would give you the shirt off of his back…literally. He always had a smile on his face and a chuckle in his throat. The ONLY annoying thing about Michael was that his lawn was ALWAYS the greenest and the most beautifully mown in the neighborhood.  Shrubs were trimmed neatly and flowers grew bigger and brighter than any others!  It didn’t matter what we did, when you compared our lawn to his, ours always looked dry, brown and raggedy!

My heart breaks for him, Angel and for his family. His death will leave a real void in their lives…and in ours.

Though rain, high waters, adversity and death surround us, we must remember that…

“God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear,
Even though the earth be removed,
And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
Though its waters roar and be troubled,
Though the mountains shake with its swelling.
(Psalms 46: 1-3)
and

Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our refuge.
(Psalms 46: 10, 11)

We are not alone! God holds us in the palms of His great hands and we WILL prevail!