In many ways I am completely and totally socially inept. Inept might be too harsh of a word but, as I see it, it’s accurate. Some people might not agree but I know myself very well. I am an introvert who parades as an extrovert and introverts parading as extroverts aren’t always successful in the larger social arena.
Yesterday, I accepted an invitation to go to the lake with our long-time neighbors and friends. His brother, their son and a friend also joined in the fun. I almost canceled on them because I was worried that I might not be up for it as it would be the first time for me to go out on the boat without Steve. I didn’t want to end up being the party pooper, for heaven’s sake! I finally decided that, because I love the people who invited me and I have missed them horribly, I would go and would make damn sure that I was NOT the party pooper.
Upon reflection, I overdid it. I wanted to make sure I stayed “UP” so I laughed harder and longer than anyone else, talked far too much and repeated myself ad nauseam, rode the jet ski too fast and took too many chances as I whipped the steering wheel around to make circles in the water. Uh, yeah…and
I lost my phone…
at the bottom…
of the lake!
Yes! Yes, I did.
But I had a great time!
Then I awoke this morning. I lay there thinking about how much Steve would have loved being out all day on the boat with our friends. He would not; however, have loved my over-the-top behavior. He would have said, “Woman! What was up with you yesterday?”
So, to my sweet Honey Bunches of Oats, I say, “You know what was up with me!!“
YOU were my anchor, my balance beam, my compass, my biggest supporter and encourager. With YOU by my side, I was capable of doing anything and going anywhere because I knew that I could sit back and be comfortable because YOU were there! I knew that YOU would carry the conversation. YOU would tell a story. YOU would respond to a joke with one of your own! YOU were my conscience, my wine and spirits monitor and…my everything.
And YOU are no longer here! YOU weren’t there.
I know that our friends were missing you yesterday, too. The best half of us was missing! If our friends will have me back I will try harder to “channel” your calm, your confidence, your humor and sense of fun!
Today it just feels like I lost you yesterday.
Today I feel like I can’t do this “living” thing without you!
Tomorrow, I meet with the guy who wants to buy our home. I’ll take a few more things from our lives “before” and bring them home.
Tomorrow will be better.
“Grief is in two parts. The first is loss.
The second is the remaking of life.”