Stuff

It’s been a little over a month since I picked up the computer and opened to a blank page.

I’m sorry?

Oh, I’ve thought about writing but I just didn’t feel that I had anything of worth to say.

In the past month, I celebrated the 2nd wedding anniversary without Steve by going to the dentist then by grabbing a Whataburger and some roses and ate lunch sitting by his marker.  Yup.  It kinda sucked.  The 9th would have been our 36th year together.  Brenda, my newly widowed friend from church, just yesterday, said, “It wasn’t long enough.”  No, although I had about ten more years with Steve than she did with her Hector,  it wasn’t long enough.

The rest of July was pretty wonderful!  We celebrated Lauren’s 29th and Jase’s first birthday. I made cupcakes which really were cute but tasted awful.  That’s the second time I tried to make white cupcakes from scratch.  In this case, I have failed! I think I’m going to give up and use a box cake or buy them next year!  At the end of the month, mom and I traveled to Allen to be with Matthew, Kendall and Landon when Kennedy was baptized in their church.  Lauren, Zach and kids came, too. It was so nice (although loud and stressful at times) to have all of the kids and grandkids together for a few days!!  It almost felt like old times.  Laughter, nagging, gentle bantering…family life = LOVE!

Mom bought the property next to me and plans to build a house.  Yes!  It’s happening.

Lauren and I attended a Harry Potter dinner.  It was so much fun…no, we did NOT dress in costumes but we did tie for fourth place.  She won a couple of prizes that she and Zach can use in the future.

As I alluded above, I met the sweet lady from church to whom I passed a note earlier in the month.  She is a sweetheart with two children, 15 and 20 years old who are now without their daddy.  Brenda is,  naturally, stressed, worried and fearful.  There is too much to do, projects begun with her husband have been left for her to complete,  a child entering high school without his strong and very involved daddy, loneliness…and a deep sadness that no one person will ever be able to fix for her.

We’ve been out twice and we have traded stories about our law enforcement spouses, our desires for future travels, shared our hobbies, our reading likes (she loves Chaucer…eek) and dislikes, anger, disappointments, fears….

“Do you find that you are angry about all of things you have to do by yourself now?” she asked.

No.

For me those are things I’d be doing alone anyway if he had never been part of my life, i.e. cleaning, yard work, bills, shopping….life stuff.

Are you angry that he was taken from you.

No.

That’s life. It sucks.  I hate it.  But it’s out of my control. It serves no purpose to be angry about it.  God has His plan….one day I might understand it.  Just not today.  Now, do I get angry when I see couples who have been married for 50 years or more…sometimes.  Do I get angry when I see couples treat each other with a lack of respect or love…absolutely!  Life is too short, people!  Be grateful for that person next to you…tomorrow he/she may not be!

I guess I’m more disappointed that we didn’t talk more. About our money. About our dreams. About our love for each other. About God and eternity.  We felt it…we showed it.  We loved each other, treasured our time together but we didn’t really talk as much as I think we should have.

Brenda said, “It’s lonely.  I wonder if I will ever find someone to be with again.  Someone I can travel with…?”

Good question.   I’m sure she will.  She’s great…funny, beautiful, loving, tough…bigger than life…young.

Will I?  Meh.  Maybe, but it’s not something I worry about or think too much about.  If I am ever again given the gift of companionship, communication…deep, meaningful, fully present communication will be the expectation.

For now, my hands, life and heart are quite full.   Kids, grand babies, dogs, house, friends, quilting, painting….yeah,…I’m doing okay.

Thank you, Lord, for your graciousness and blessings!

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